Opportunities in Connection

There are almost 8 billion people in the world and we make meaningful connections with only a handful of them in a lifetime.  What a waste.  The missed learning and opportunities alone!

I used to try to convince myself that in terms of friendships I wanted to focus on quality over quantity, but I’ve learned over and over again in the last few years how I can have both. And, how connections are so important for my mental health and growth.

When I travel to Kenya in the fall, I will be joined by my friend Jo.  I have known of Jo for 14 years because we worked at the same place in different departments, but we were only acquaintances. One day a year or so ago, my friend Juan told me that I would have a lot in common with Jo and she thought we would be fast friends. So, I reached out and asked her on a date. We met for coffee and a walk last July and it was as if we were friends in another life, and the overlaps and comparisons of our lives and interests were insurmountable.  Because I did that, the universe has somehow put a trip to Kenya in both our paths, and we are going together – which I could have never imagined a year ago!

I am telling this story for a few reasons.

I call my blog Lifting Anchor because anchors are heavy and I want to feel light.  Seeing friends makes me feel light!

I used to be someone who (thought) I liked to be mostly alone. I have also thrived in a community of supportive friends in ways I never knew could be possible, especially in the last few years, and I have learned time and time again how vulnerability serves me in so many ways. And, because I have opened myself to friendships and connections with other people, I am about to go on a trip of a lifetime with my friend Jo.

I am also telling this story in the interest of mental health. Sharing and connecting are especially important for our mental health and to alleviate anxiety – we all need a sounding board from time to time, and people to encourage us like only friends can do. But we also need a place to feel less alone. You’d be surprised how many people feel the same way you do about things. The thoughts and feelings that you maybe have that seem out of the ordinary, are things other people also feel but sometimes don’t say.  You just need to have the courage to talk about the things!

Connecting with different perspectives from different people also only makes us so much better, smarter and more welcoming.

This past year I witnessed as the war in Ukraine brought a new family into my sister’s world, and the connection I’ve watched grow brought richness, joy and light to her already joyous, rich life.  But on a much different and deeper level. I love seeing opportunities for connections grow out of unexpected places.

I’ve been thinking about what prevents us from expanding our friend bubbles, or even connecting with the friends we already have.  There are 3 main barriers I can think of:

Time! Valid, we only have so much time.  But consider that we are able to choose how we spend our down time. And, also consider that meeting friends can overlap with things that have to get done in your life, like errands or your kid’s sport practices. Is there anything stopping you from asking your favorite friend to tag along? Time management can play a part in this too, but that is a whole other topic for another time! However, consider that if you can make time to scroll social media for an hour, you can probably also meet a friend (via video chat even) for that same amount of time.

Fear of Rejection. I heard someone say this just the other day, that they were hesitant to reach out to friends because they feared the friend wouldn’t want to hear from them. If it turns out to be the case, that isn’t the right friend.  And if you read my last post, remember to try to not take things personally; someone not replying to you or not wanting to hear from you might have more to do with them than you.  Also, if you have experienced rejection or abandonment in the past and find it is hindering your life in the present that might be a time to consider talking to someone about it (which I understand is both a privilege and can be difficult, but I promise is worth it in the end).

Attitude. I have seen the memes, and heard the snarky tone in voices saying “why should I call them…they never call me.”  Personally, I find that attitude such an unattractive characteristic. What if all people are thinking that, no one would ever talk to each other! 
You know that age-old saying “in order to love others we must first love ourselves?”  Brianna Wiest writes in her book “The Mountain is You” about how if we learn to love others we learn to love ourselves.  She talks about how we can do this by practicing non-judgement through non-assumption. We have limited information about what is going on in other people’s lives and never know the whole story. Brianna talks about how building compassion for others builds it for ourselves.  There are a lot of reasons someone might not be calling you. Possibly for the same reasons I listed above.

In this post I am encouraging you to think if connections with friends is something you are missing, and if connecting with friends would help you feel healthier.  And, to also to consider what opportunities exist within your friend groups. What have you learned from friends in the past, or what friendships have served you most?
I choose friends who are motivated, successful and positive as much as possible, because those are the best life-giving ones. If you are reading this and you feel like your friend groups don’t serve you in that way, there isn’t a thing wrong with making new ones.

Life is busy, and making time for friends can seem so daunting. But, if you want to know how I stay in touch with friends, my step-by-step list is below:
Step 1 – Create a list that you keep somewhere you will always have access to it, which lists all of the people who give you energy, who you have a connection with from one area of your life or another, and who you don’t ever want to lose touch with.
Step 2 – Look at your calendar and make note of dates you could be available to see these lovely people
Step 3 – Reach out to someone on your list! I try to see at least 2 people from my list each month. Sometimes more if I can arrange video chats. Video chats take up less logistics in terms of travel to meet them, can happen in your pajamas!, and they are also free (dinners and coffee out can get pricy after all).  
Step 4 – Suggest a date to meet that person and agree with them to put it in both of your calendars. It can take some back and forth but don’t give up!
Step 5 – Leave your house to go meet them, or put some tea on before your video chat.

Honestly, to hell with the fear of rejection, and even to the things you might not get done for a couple of hours. You can catch up on “things” later.  I don’t think anyone ever died wishing they had done chores instead of having a great laugh with a dear friend.

And, see what opportunities come your way! As controlling as I am – I say this:  relinquish control to the universe from time to time. It might put a trip of a lifetime in your path.

Who would be on your list of people to connect with? Do you have any stories to share about how a friendship has brought you joy, or unexpected opportunities? I’d love to hear them.

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