What Are the Odds?
The thing I learned this week is that sometimes the valid fears that you have based on anxieties, do happen, and how to push through them.
If you’ve been following along you know that I had a bucket full of vaccines this winter. I also had a blood test to determine my immunity to chicken pox and lab results showed that I had zero immunity. I avoided getting chicken pox when I was a kid, and this comes as a surprise to a lot of people. But, if you remember my little introduction story, I wouldn’t have been allowed around sick kids, in case I too got sick! I also wasn’t really socialized as a kid for a whole bunch of reasons, and I never came into contact with chicken pox. So, I added Varicella to the bucket, to give me immunity.
I could have had the vaccine right then and there when I received my blood work results in my doctor’s office. But did I? No…I l went to my car in the parking lot, called my sister, and had a little melt down.
I’m learning more and more about trauma lately and I want people to understand that each thing they consider as traumatic is valid. It is a sliding scale. Something very violent can be traumatic, and something that just evokes feelings of deep loneliness can be traumatic, and any scenarios in between. And, sometimes what you didn’t get; something that didn’t happen to you (love, praise, attention) can be just as traumatic as something that “did” happen to you.
So, on that note, what I would consider one of my low-range traumatic events, is when a few years ago I developed a rash on my hip that ended up spreading to most of my body. It was itchy as hell and kept me awake all night. It prevented me from being able to concentrate at work or on anything else. The rash lasted for 4 long weeks. 4 weeks of no sleep, and incredible discomfort, with no explanation; zero out of ten, would not recommend. I saw countless doctors, and even went to the ER one night hoping for an antihistamine needle right into my blood stream to help it stop! (It didn’t stop) This rash is still a complete mystery to every medical professional I saw and to myself. My answer was it was likely a viral infection, which is kind of a non- answer wouldn’t you say? So not knowing what caused it or how to protect myself from it, and knowing that it can happen again at any time, I panic just a little if I get a tiny fleeting itch.
My melt down in my car about my chicken pox vaccine was because the side effect of the vaccine was an itchy rash. My tiny car melt down may seem trite but I don’t think we should be dismissive of our feelings, fears or concerns. And I am sharing this because I hope if you have had what feels like small invalid feelings or fears, please know that if they are valid to you, they are valid enough. It is important though, to try to understand and work through them.
My sister, after completely understanding my concern, reminded me that I had had 7 needles already with no side effects and that adult chicken pox is brutal. I researched the probability of a rash as a side-effect. 3-5% of people after their first dose develop a rash. So, I booked the vaccine.
It was my least painful needle thus far, the kind that they have to tell you is over, and I had no symptoms for the first week! Whew. Then the second week came and I had a rash on my arm at the injection site. A small manageable barely itchy rash. It was fine, nothing to worry about (I said quietly to myself in the bathroom mirror). 6 days later, I still had the rash and it had gotten itchier and bigger everyday. I also had, what I believe to be a side-effect, which was the scariest headache I’ve ever had. I get regular headaches and migraines, so I have some context for what a scary one feels like. I even contemplated an ER visit in the middle of the night when I was experiencing it. I couldn’t move my head even a fraction of an inch without it feeling like my brain was really swelling and a blood vessel might bust. Seriously, I have no idea if that would have happened, but it felt awful. The pain was excruciating, honestly. I couldn’t sleep all that night and I had the headache for 2 more days. After that night I could move my head more easily, but I couldn’t put it down. I also had achy muscles and my hair hurt, it was the strangest thing – the hair part. It really was a very unpleasant reaction, and well, one of the reasons I am hesitant about getting vaccines in the first place. A justifiable and valid fear apparently.
As I write this my head still feels a bit tender but more normal, and the rash on my arm has shrunk down and hasn’t been itchy for 2 full days. And I am now 82% protected from chicken pox. I have a booster scheduled that will give me closer to full immunity. I honestly am feeling hesitant about the second dose and may opt out. Unless I forget about how awful this past week was and then I’ll put my little super woman cape on and get the needle. 50/50 odds.
I share this story because, sometimes the things we are afraid of happening do happen, and we get through them. Every time. And to remind you that fears, feelings or things you consider traumatic are valid.
I also learned in this experience that I am still a bit resentful of my little bubble I grew up in and have an odd jealously toward people who did get chicken pox as a kid. My pharmacist said “we would just have chicken pox parties so we’d all get them and get it out of the way at once” and sometimes I hate being reminded that I wasn’t allowed to go to parties, even the kind that give you a terrible rash on purpose! I’m still a work in progress so will make a note in my therapy journal about that one!
I also learned that just because you do something through fear you may still continue to feel fear the next times you do it. But, you do it anyway, just like you did the first time you were afraid.
Is there something that you continue to fear but do anyway? Or a feeling or fear that you have been made to feel is invalid, but you know is completely valid?
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