Invitation To Growth
We’ve all seen the inspirational posters about being “fearless”. We’ve handed out accolades to the “fearless” people we know and admire. But, is fearlessness really the goal? It used to be for me, which is ultimately unattainable, and proved frustrating. It isn’t fearlessness that I admire now; I admire people who have fear, and do scary things anyway. I have experienced a mind shift around fear in the last few years, and now I understand that fear is an invitation for growth. (Unless a lion is chasing you, then fear is present to protect you - it is important to know the difference, right?)
Having said all that, I am not afraid of a lot of things that other people fear, and vice versa. I’ve learned that fearlessness can exist, but most times, only after being afraid first. And, I am in awe of those who have pushed themselves countless times to have fewer and fewer things to fear. If you are one of those people please understand what a privilege and gift that actually is.
I am not feeling afraid of my upcoming trip. I am really excited, and any of the scary things that come up will be opportunities. But, I am going to share a story about a past fear of mine, to which maybe some of you can relate.
I didn’t learn to drive until I was 26. And I didn’t drive on a regular basis until I was 35. Even then, I drove only on familiar routes and I felt anxious when I would have to get behind the wheel. Today I am 44 and I have spent the last 3 years getting very comfortable with driving. Almost fearless even. This often is something that happens for people when they turn 16, so please know that it is never too late to grow in any area of your life.
My fearlessness around driving didn’t happen overnight and is a big overstatement, because I still have hesitation about many things related to driving on occasion.
When my work switched to remote in 2020, and we were all house-bound, I had no reason to drive. I stopped driving for months. And I could feel myself becoming afraid to get in the car again. Not that I had made very much progress in my driving fear up to that point, but I was at least driving myself to work.
I can’t explain the impetus I had to start driving again, but I knew I had to. I had also ended up in a situation where I was going to need to get a different job and knew that I would have to likely get used to driving somewhere different for work. I was comfortable with my current work route, so this was actually a pretty challenging thought. I also ended up taking a year off work, and I didn’t want to be bound to my house all the time, or reliant on others to take me places.
So, I thought about all the things that made me afraid of driving, and I thought about solutions.
I was afraid of the following: Not knowing the route of where I was going and either getting lost or being one of those people that hold up traffic looking for the road they need. Not being able to find a good parking spot or, finding a tight spot that resulted in me hitting another car. I feared I would have an issue with my car while I was driving and wouldn’t be able to fix it (a flat tire, broken axle, overheated transmission….it’s a long list). Or, that I would be in an accident and the accident would leave me paralyzed. That last one sounds extreme, but I am a worse-case scenario thinker and that was a legitimate fear for me.
How I overcame all of that was by: Gaining trust in google maps and understanding that I can just reroute myself as needed. Satellite mapping the parking situation of where I was going, including what options were near by. I got CAA so that if something happened I could call someone to change my tire or tow me if my car wasn’t working. Also, and this is a bit extreme, I make sure I always have my ID and health card with me and that my phone is on me instead of loose in my console, in case I do get in an accident I can reach my phone to call for help, and I can be identified if I am unable to communicate. And, because I did those things and felt better driving, I drove more. Like, a lot more. And each time I gained confidence and competence and the worry about the accident diminished because I started to trust myself as a competent defensive driver. I was in a very minor accident since then, and it was inconvenient but it didn’t scare me. Because even that happening increased my competence about what to do if you get in an accident. It’s the unknown that trips us up sometimes.
I’ve mentioned confidence and competence a few times. Those are either the strength or determent of us. I recently watched an interesting video about how people are afraid of being alone. But, it isn’t the loneliness they always fear, it is having to do things for themselves. People in relationships as an example can tend to rely heavily on each other to do things they themselves do not feel capable of (spoiler alert, they are very capable). It is by doing the things that we become competent in them, and gain confidence, and lose fear! We all know this is true, but it is something we need to remind ourselves of often.
The main therapy presented to people with phobias is exposure therapy, which involves exposing a person to the source of the phobia in small, gradual steps, that can help a person become able to eventually encounter the phobia without negative feeling or fears. I’m not a therapist and am not here for advice but rather to share my story and experience, and looking back, that is what I did with driving.
I do drive with little to no fear now, and the independence of it is truly the most unbelievable feeling. It has transferred to other areas of my life. Not overnight, and by tiny steps and challenges, and by doing some things scared first.
If you feel like sharing with me, tell me...what is something that you were once afraid of and are no longer afraid to do. If you don’t feel like sharing, take a minute to reflect and congratulate yourself on your progress anyway. Is there something you are still afraid of? What is it, and what is a small way you can get yourself closer to challenging yourself about it?
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